Why Giving Makes Your Life Flow Again

When did you last feel stuck?

In 2008, Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton published a short paper in the journal Science with a title that says it all: Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness.

They came at the question from several sides. In a survey of 632 Americans, the money people spent on gifts and donations was linked to how happy they were. The money they spent on themselves was not.

Then they followed 16 employees who received a profit sharing bonus. Those who gave a bigger share of it to others were happier weeks later. The size of the bonus did not seem to matter.

Finally, an experiment. Students in Vancouver were handed an envelope with either $5 or $20 and asked to spend it by the end of the day. Some had to spend it on themselves. Others on someone else. By the evening, the givers felt happier. And the amount made no difference.

Five years later, Lara Aknin and her colleagues took the question around the world (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2013). In survey data from 136 countries, people who had recently donated to charity tended to be happier, in poorer countries as well as richer ones. In experiments in Canada, Uganda and India, simply remembering a time you spent money on someone else lifted people's mood.

A word of honesty. These effects are modest, and when other researchers repeated the envelope experiment years later, the results were more mixed. Giving is not a magic switch. But the direction keeps showing up.

We expect to feel better once we finally keep more for ourselves. The evidence keeps quietly pointing the other way.

Imbalance is what makes things move

In Master of a Happy Life, the second Foundation is the Law of Balance. And it begins with a paradox: balance is not what you want.

A ball rolls because one side is lower. A river flows because the mountain is higher than the sea. You breathe because the pressure inside your lungs differs from the pressure outside. Movement needs a gap.

Life works the same way. When you give outward in the very area where you want more, you create a gap. A space. And space does not like to stay empty.

This is not about working harder on your own problem. It is almost the opposite. You invest in other people's lives exactly where you feel empty yourself.

Longing for love? Strengthen the relationships around you. Want more ease with money? Be generous with what you know: pass on the book, make the introduction, encourage the person who is just starting out. Searching for your purpose? Help someone else find theirs.

Clients often tell me this feels backwards. How can I give what I do not have? But you always have something. A good question. A connection. Ten minutes of real attention.

One thing matters more than anything else here. Giving from I must is not the same as giving from I want to. When you give until you are empty, out of guilt or fear of being disliked, it drains you. That is not generosity. Real giving leaves you lighter, not smaller.

Practice: the Balance Exercise

Take a fresh page in your journal and divide it into four parts: Health, Finances, Relationships, Purpose.

In each part, answer two questions. What do I most want here right now? What could I give outward, regularly, to create a gap here?

Then choose the sphere that feels most urgent. Not the most sensible one. The one that aches. Write at least ten concrete actions for it. Small is fine. Real is what counts.

If love is your sphere, it might look like this. Introduce two friends who could suit each other. Recommend a book on relationships to someone who needs it. When a couple you know is going through a hard moment, stand for the relationship rather than the conflict. Speak hopefully about love when the conversation turns cynical.

Now pick one action from your list and start it this week.

While you do it, notice the moment of giving. Does it feel warm, or heavy? If it feels heavy, ask yourself honestly whether you are giving from love or from obligation. That answer is worth more than the action itself.

Before you go

The Law of Balance is the second of ten Foundations in my book Master of a Happy Life, where you will find the full exercise and the thinking behind it. And if you would like to look more closely at where your own life feels stuck, I would be glad to meet you on a free 30 minute discovery call.

If you would like a new post like this in your inbox every Sunday, join my newsletter.

The river does not flow because it holds on. It flows because it lets go.

Tetyana

Sources: Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870), 1687-1688. Aknin, L. B., Barrington-Leigh, C. P., Dunn, E. W., Helliwell, J. F., et al. (2013). Prosocial spending and well-being: Cross-cultural evidence for a psychological universal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(4), 635-652.